I’ve been trying to think about what I wanted my pseudonym to be, but I realize that there is no comment section on this site or any other way to refer to me, so there isn’t a need for a name.
But right now, you are the outsider, because you have entered my mind. So welcome… It’s not usually this quiet in here.
I created this website as an act of rebellion against my social anxiety. I have no social media presence outside of this. In the past, I’ve tried to share stuff on social media, but the panic of someone actually seeing anything I make eventually forces me to delete everything. Maybe that is what will happen to this site.
I hear people criticize the internet as being a fake place full of fake people. Afterall, on the internet you only ever see a small sliver of someone’s whole person… but isn’t that real life too? All my life, I’ve shown one small cut of who I am to the world, and the rest, I’ve kept locked up inside the confines of my own mind. It seems a bit strange though, since the “hidden” aspect of me is the one who I speak to the most often. To me, it is the more interesting aspect of me. I want to let that person out to see the sun, but somewhere that is safe, and contained. That is the person who will be doing most of the writing on this site.
It’s paradoxical how the internet gives you anonymity, yet with the anonymity you are given, you become far more personal and honest than you ever would be to a bunch of strangers. I’ve shared certain facts about myself to random people I’ve met while playing video games, facts I would never say openly to the people I know in real life.
This is all very strange, but I’m glad you are here.
Beginnings are given a lot of importance in people’s lives. Every year, we celebrate our birthday, the anniversary of our beginning. Weddings represent the beginning of a lifelong bond, although that doesn’t seem quite so guaranteed anymore. Springtime, in my culture, is seen as the beginning of a new year, as warm air and fertile soil restores what was previously cold and lifeless.
Beginnings can be bittersweet. A beginning is a clean slate, where whatever might have existed previously is wiped clean to create a home for what is to come. One day, that beginning will become a middle, and someday, an end. The end always seems to come sooner than we'd expect, but with an end comes another beginning.
That is Samsara.
This constant, nonstop cycle of beginnings and ends can be tiring. To be able to break free from this cycle is seen as the ultimate freedom, but most will never get there. When was the last Buddha?
I find it fitting that I’m starting this website in spring. It wasn’t planned to be this way, I was just hit with a random stroke of creativity a week ago. Will this new beginning ever bring a middle or an end? I don't know. Not many of my projects ever reach a conclusive ending. I'm a flaky person, who abandons things as they start to get difficult. It's a way to protect myself. By never becoming fully attached to anything, you don't have to feel the sting of when it is time for it to go. Maybe this is my sad attempt at freedom.